How to realize that you're not actually dating

So it's been about 4 months since I've been on a date.

That is not to say I haven't been involved with anyone, that I haven't fallen for someone, or I haven't been seeing people for all that time.

But the above are all due to circumstance, aka, I was "hanging out" with people, friends of friends etc. This is all fine and dandy, but what happens when hanging out turns into something, well more, but not enough to be considered dating? It's quite the conundrum.

And on top of that, I have turned down potential dates because of said situations. Not that it's not a good time, but what do you do when the line is so blurred that you really do have no clue what is actually going on between you and someone else?

I don't really know, it's awkward to have a "what are we doing here talk" because it makes you seem like you are having a "where is this relationship going talk" when you are not actually in a relationship and that's insane, but sometimes you just need to know where you stand, but that doesn't mean that you think you are in, or even want, a relationship.

But sometimes you either have to have that fantastically awkward conversation, or you have to actually find someone who wants to take you out on a date and then go with them, and know you are "dating" right from the start. And also not cancel on every man that you say yes to at the last minute because you are hung up on someone you are not actually dating.

The issue for me really is that yes, you want things to happen organically, but when things evolve in that way, you need to have the cojones to talk to people honestly, tell them how you feel, and ask them whats going on. Otherwise you're stuck in a sea of unknowingness.

So where the heck am I now? Stuck in a sea of unknowingness. That's right, I have absolutely no cojones, but I think that I need to grow a pair... or at least borrow them from a friend... or start going on dates again.

Or I can see where this Che Sara, Sara attitude is taking me... I know myself too well... whatever will be, will be...

How to play the hand you're dealt

When guys ask me out, I am really bad at saying no. I feel like I need to give people a chance, keep my options open. But what ends up happening more often than not is that I am more awkward and uncomfortable then usual (which is pretty incredible considering how awkward and uncomfortable I usually am anyway) and spend most of the date waiting for it to end.

Not to say that all of these dates are bad, or that I shouldn't be giving people a chance, but now that I have decided I am officially "into someone" does that mean that going out with other people is no longer giving them a chance, but rather leading them on?

I've met someone recently who is almost too into me. He writes really long posts on my facebook wall and sends me messages, and has now asked me out twice. He's nice enough but I just can't get into it. I'm holding out for someone else. Granted this whole thing with this certain gentleman is going absolutely nowhere, but at the risk of sounding pathetic, I feel like I should still hold out just a little hope shouldn't I? I suppose the answer is just to wait and see how it all turns out, take all of these things that life throws at you and hope that it works itself out in the long run. That takes patience, and proactivity, and being vocal about what you want. Isn't this time of life about a positive attitude and going after what you want?

So herein lies the problem. Do I continue to pursue this seemingly lost cause, or do I let it go and give some of these other guys a chance? I know that what I really want is the former, but am I happier with an idea of what could be, then to settle for something that is readily available? Rock? Hard place? Is that you?

How to realize when you need to slow down, take a deep breath, and figure out what you want

You know you have too much drama happening in your dating life when your good male friend turns to you and says "Seriously, you need to write all of this down" and you already have a blog about dating available for him to read.

There has been a lot going on since the last bitter and scorned posting of February yore. Almost too much to list here but we'll go with the readers digest version.

Most humorously, I got a delightful text message from a gentleman who had called the day before to ask me out, which went on for far longer then any text message should, letting me know that although I was amazing and he cannot stop thinking about me, it was impossible, and would never work because he's in a relationship, which he should have told me but he was so blown away by our encounter, but in another time, another place, yada yada yada. Anyway...

I've also learned that when sleeping with someone you know from frequenting their place of business it is possible to gauge how into you they are by how often they charge you for their services. (At work man, at work... not THOSE services).

And I have learned that sometimes, the heart wants what it wants. And to be ok with that, but to be ok also if it doesn't always turn out the way that you want it to.

There's been a lot of learning happening the past few months, and not a lot of meeting. This has been some time of moving in circles, going backwards in order to move forwards. Seeing someone again after an absence can remind you of why you wanted them in the first place, even if hoping for something to come from it is foolhardy. Not everyone is in the same place you are, we all have our demons to work through and we have to be patient and honest with each other.

Most importantly I'm learning sometimes you need to step back, stop looking so hard and figure out what YOU want. It's so easy to get caught up in other people's expectations that you forget to ask yourself, what the heck do I actually want here? I think that wanting a boyfriend because dating is exasperating is a poor reason for wanting a boyfriend. I think dating for the sake of dating is stupid, I think sleeping with people you are not interested in just so that you can say you are sleeping with someone is a waste of time and energy, especially when you are not into it and it's not very good. And I think pretending like you have forgotten someone you don't want to forget just so it hurts less is counter productive.

So why, why, why, why, why have I been doing all of the above for the past three months? It's pretty silly, really, I want to have some fun, meet some cool people, and if I meet someone great and we connect and something starts, then great. But something that is supposed to be fun is turning into a whole lot of work, it's like a secret spy mission, always on the alert, on the prowl, and I'm not that kinda girl.

Now it's spring, a reawakening of the earth, the hipsters are out in full force in their namesake regalia here in Williamsburg, and it's time for a little fun. To hell with the rest. Che Sara, Sara.