Searching, NYC

How to deal with it

2009-06-12T18:13:00.000-07:00

So, it has been far to long since I have posted, and the reason is because I haven't really been out with anyone, per-se. I haven't been actively looking either. I have been, as we call -lame- Yes, I have been just about as lame as humanly possible on this whole dating scheme of mine.

I wish that I could say it is because I have been very busy with work, which I have been, or that things have just been going crazy in my life, which they also have been, but really it is because I am completely hung up on someone. And while it is driving me crazy, 90% of the time I feel like want to shoot myself in the foot, the rest of the time it makes me feel pretty great. Now, that is really not the best ratio of insanity/happiness that I have come across, but I suppose that it's better than nothing.

I am trying not to feel particularly down about my lack of attachment. However I have come to learn that since most of my friends are now in couples, I need to get moving sister. I pretty much hate it. It's never a good time to be the pathetic single friend in a room full of couples, it's also pretty embarrassing when your buddy tells you that life would be easier if only you had a boyfriend. That's what you get for being a cute girl with male BFFs. But I've taken this tangent too far...

My point is, I should never feel like the pathetic single girl. First of all being single in this city does not make you pathetic, second of all if I really wanted a boyfriend, I could lower my standards and make that happen in about 45 seconds. There are a fair number of men girlfriend shopping out there and they arent hard to hook. It's not about just finding someone to have someone. The whole point of this search is to find someone who gets you, someone who makes you laugh and thinks that your amazing, someone that you can feel completely at ease with when you feel completely awkward with the rest of the world. It should be beautiful, and it should fit, you should connect and it should defy all logic and expectation. And when that happens you know it and you should have to go looking for it.

In any case, now that I've gone all mushy on the unsuspecting public, lets look ahead. The summer is now upon us here in the big apple and that makes dating remarkably easier. It's easier to meet people reading in the park then it is holed up in your apartment under the covers because it's subarctic outside. So hopefully I will have more to report in the coming months.

How to realize that you're not actually dating

2009-04-30T23:01:00.000-07:00

So it's been about 4 months since I've been on a date.

That is not to say I haven't been involved with anyone, that I haven't fallen for someone, or I haven't been seeing people for all that time.

But the above are all due to circumstance, aka, I was "hanging out" with people, friends of friends etc. This is all fine and dandy, but what happens when hanging out turns into something, well more, but not enough to be considered dating? It's quite the conundrum.

And on top of that, I have turned down potential dates because of said situations. Not that it's not a good time, but what do you do when the line is so blurred that you really do have no clue what is actually going on between you and someone else?

I don't really know, it's awkward to have a "what are we doing here talk" because it makes you seem like you are having a "where is this relationship going talk" when you are not actually in a relationship and that's insane, but sometimes you just need to know where you stand, but that doesn't mean that you think you are in, or even want, a relationship.

But sometimes you either have to have that fantastically awkward conversation, or you have to actually find someone who wants to take you out on a date and then go with them, and know you are "dating" right from the start. And also not cancel on every man that you say yes to at the last minute because you are hung up on someone you are not actually dating.

The issue for me really is that yes, you want things to happen organically, but when things evolve in that way, you need to have the cojones to talk to people honestly, tell them how you feel, and ask them whats going on. Otherwise you're stuck in a sea of unknowingness.

So where the heck am I now? Stuck in a sea of unknowingness. That's right, I have absolutely no cojones, but I think that I need to grow a pair... or at least borrow them from a friend... or start going on dates again.

Or I can see where this Che Sara, Sara attitude is taking me... I know myself too well... whatever will be, will be...

How to play the hand you're dealt

2009-04-17T08:57:00.000-07:00

When guys ask me out, I am really bad at saying no. I feel like I need to give people a chance, keep my options open. But what ends up happening more often than not is that I am more awkward and uncomfortable then usual (which is pretty incredible considering how awkward and uncomfortable I usually am anyway) and spend most of the date waiting for it to end.

Not to say that all of these dates are bad, or that I shouldn't be giving people a chance, but now that I have decided I am officially "into someone" does that mean that going out with other people is no longer giving them a chance, but rather leading them on?

I've met someone recently who is almost too into me. He writes really long posts on my facebook wall and sends me messages, and has now asked me out twice. He's nice enough but I just can't get into it. I'm holding out for someone else. Granted this whole thing with this certain gentleman is going absolutely nowhere, but at the risk of sounding pathetic, I feel like I should still hold out just a little hope shouldn't I? I suppose the answer is just to wait and see how it all turns out, take all of these things that life throws at you and hope that it works itself out in the long run. That takes patience, and proactivity, and being vocal about what you want. Isn't this time of life about a positive attitude and going after what you want?

So herein lies the problem. Do I continue to pursue this seemingly lost cause, or do I let it go and give some of these other guys a chance? I know that what I really want is the former, but am I happier with an idea of what could be, then to settle for something that is readily available? Rock? Hard place? Is that you?

How to realize when you need to slow down, take a deep breath, and figure out what you want

2009-04-09T17:30:00.000-07:00

You know you have too much drama happening in your dating life when your good male friend turns to you and says "Seriously, you need to write all of this down" and you already have a blog about dating available for him to read.

There has been a lot going on since the last bitter and scorned posting of February yore. Almost too much to list here but we'll go with the readers digest version.

Most humorously, I got a delightful text message from a gentleman who had called the day before to ask me out, which went on for far longer then any text message should, letting me know that although I was amazing and he cannot stop thinking about me, it was impossible, and would never work because he's in a relationship, which he should have told me but he was so blown away by our encounter, but in another time, another place, yada yada yada. Anyway...

I've also learned that when sleeping with someone you know from frequenting their place of business it is possible to gauge how into you they are by how often they charge you for their services. (At work man, at work... not THOSE services).

And I have learned that sometimes, the heart wants what it wants. And to be ok with that, but to be ok also if it doesn't always turn out the way that you want it to.

There's been a lot of learning happening the past few months, and not a lot of meeting. This has been some time of moving in circles, going backwards in order to move forwards. Seeing someone again after an absence can remind you of why you wanted them in the first place, even if hoping for something to come from it is foolhardy. Not everyone is in the same place you are, we all have our demons to work through and we have to be patient and honest with each other.

Most importantly I'm learning sometimes you need to step back, stop looking so hard and figure out what YOU want. It's so easy to get caught up in other people's expectations that you forget to ask yourself, what the heck do I actually want here? I think that wanting a boyfriend because dating is exasperating is a poor reason for wanting a boyfriend. I think dating for the sake of dating is stupid, I think sleeping with people you are not interested in just so that you can say you are sleeping with someone is a waste of time and energy, especially when you are not into it and it's not very good. And I think pretending like you have forgotten someone you don't want to forget just so it hurts less is counter productive.

So why, why, why, why, why have I been doing all of the above for the past three months? It's pretty silly, really, I want to have some fun, meet some cool people, and if I meet someone great and we connect and something starts, then great. But something that is supposed to be fun is turning into a whole lot of work, it's like a secret spy mission, always on the alert, on the prowl, and I'm not that kinda girl.

Now it's spring, a reawakening of the earth, the hipsters are out in full force in their namesake regalia here in Williamsburg, and it's time for a little fun. To hell with the rest. Che Sara, Sara.

How to admit he's a douchebag and move on.

2009-02-03T00:05:00.001-08:00

I wish that I had a good answer for the title question of this blog. But I dont. I dont think anyone does. Why is it that a second a guy is falling all over you you dont want them anymore? Why is it that the more of a douchebag the guy is to you the more you want them?

Oh the thrill of a challenge. I met this guy right. And I woke up, from a lot of things, I felt like we connected. And I liked him, this doesnt happen often, in fact, I dont really like like anyone. So surprised as I was, it was nice to like someone again. We txted, we met up at 2am and made poor decisions, and then after a month of a pretty fun ride we sleep together and I dont hear from him again.

Classic.

This is not an unusual situation, its all about games and whos got the ball and all that nonsense. I am aware that girls over analyze everything to the upteenth degree but come on guys, be considerate. Having a lot of drama going on in your life, being incredibly busy, and whatever else your excuse may be, does not give you permission to treat me with disrespect. I'm sorry but you sleep with a girl you call them... it's just good manners. Sorry for the rant... moving on.

Anyway, there was nothing that indicated that we would not speak again, in fact we left off with him reassuring me that we would. Whatevs. So the real question is how does one move on? Let go of the douchbagery and not take it personally, when it seems nothing but personal.

Well there is the fact that I am pretty fantastic. I dont allow myself to think that very often, but perhaps I should do a better job of reminding myself on a daily basis. Just because he has some emotional hang ups that incite him to treat me like dirt does not mean that I deserve it. It does mean that in that moment I am being stupid by allowing someone to treat me that way, but really its because I am not afraid to love, not in the I love you forever romeo and juliet kind of way, but in the way that I allow myself to feel things for people, I let my heart dictate my actions and tend to ignore my brain, possibly a little too often. Its ironic that someone with so many walls can trust their emotions to people so easily, but it is not often that I find someone I like enough to do so, so when I do I know its something I need to persue.

But I digress. The point is, women go after the men who challenge them, they want the men who are difficult, and I dont think that will ever change, I dont think that will ever change in me, but what I can try to do from here on out is attempt to remember 1. he's a douchbag and 2. I am fantastic.

I suppose thats all you can do. Until you find someone with just the right balance of gentlemanlyness and douchbagery...

How to be ok with going on lots of first dates

2008-11-26T10:34:00.000-08:00

So I had my first date off of match.com last week... and it was fine. We had a nice lunch, he called me two days later, very standard sort of thing.

He looked like his pictures, he was polite and it was fine... that's all fine.

But I don't think that just fine is good enough. And that's what I think a first date should tell you, this person should be better than fine. I should feel that if I give up more of my time, which is hard to come by, it should be great, it should be fun, it should at least be very nice. But not just fine.

I'm emailing someone I think might be great. We've just had a 20 minute phone conversation segueing into seeing each other after the holidays and the promise of another phone call... and I'm actually looking forward to it. That's what dating someone should be about, not just seeing someone because you had a fine time, and what the heck why not.

I'm tired of what the heck why not. And that's why I don't go on a lot of second dates. And that's why I am going to be ok with not going on second dates, and giving fine gentlemen an polite thanks, but no thanks.

More first dates to come..........

How to not worry about what other people think

2008-11-20T12:26:00.000-08:00

Today is my only day off this week... and by day off I mean I have about 5 hours to kill in between appointments and meetings, so I am spending it in a coffee shop on my laptop procrastinating.

I could be getting a lot of work done.

What am I doing? Checking my email, and surfing match.com. It's a little sad. None the less.

I've realized that I am a little apprehensive about the people around me judging what websites I'm searching. I don't know why. What do I care if the NYU student next to me is watching me search an online dating sight?

While my closest friends think that this whole match.com thing, and search for the perfect man is a cute and worthwhile adventure (and really cute boys have cute friends for my friends as my roommate states... she's in this because it will benefit her in the long run) I'm nervous about the way other people will react. I come at it like I think it's silly, that it's just a game I'm playing... and it is, but really... I'm hopeful. It's one more way that I am putting positive energy out to the universe.

My boss has told me that I am being ridiculous, that 25 is too young for internet dating, my BF is worried that I'm going to stop trying to meet people in real life and I'm freaking out that the GV hipsters think I'm a loser.

All that may be true but I do have a date for lunch tomorrow.

How not to be completely creeped out when meeting douche bags

2008-11-19T15:15:00.000-08:00

So you meet someone... somewhere... he seems normal... and uh, yeah, not so much.

My first day on Match.com has proven to be fun and surprisingly (OK maybe not so surprisingly) addictive. I've been viewing and interacting with pretty much normal, interesting, grown up type people... that is until I had the following conversation over match.com IM:

Man: I live in the east village
Me: Oh, that's nice. I live in Williamsburg
Man: Yeah I have a great roof deck, and a kiddie pool
Me: That's fun
Man: Yeah, you wouldn't even need a bikini
Me: Um... that sounds like an activity for warmer weather
Man: OK you can wear clothes, a trench coat and heels and that's all

Granted this is a man who opened his conversation with "So when was the last time you made out with a girl" what else should I have expected?

I mean, finding a creepy guy or two online makes sense to me, but should I be more wary? I've been having some perfectly pleasant email conversations with people via the ever so interesting dating website so hopefully now that I have experienced the creepy man first hand I'll know what to look for from now on.

Oh good times. On a real people dating note a certain gentleman I've had my eye on is coming to my job tomorrow... I'm excited... getting to know people in person. What a concept. Maybe I wont be such a wimp and I'll ask him out, I mean it's only been 3 months... hah... how lame am I?

How to keep positive

2008-11-17T06:46:00.000-08:00

When you're recovering from a broken heart, when you're looking for the one, or when you're just looking for someone to spend time with, you want every first date to be perfect.

Dating is fun, but it's hard, it's exhausting, and sometimes you need help.

So where do you look? To your friends and family? To CL? To match.com?

Yes to all of the above.

I went on my first date off of craigstlist over the weekend and 1. my head did not end up in a freezer on the Lower East Side and 2. It wasn't as bad as it could have been.

Now my date did not look like his photo... the photo was terrible enough to begin with so I figured how could it be worse... it was, but he bought me a drink and we had an hour of decent conversation, he really liked to tell me the intimate details of all his prior relationships, almost as if to prove to me that he was capable of getting laid on a regular basis... that was odd, but well what can you do? We parted ways and that's that. We won't be going out again.

I'm still looking through the CL personals but it's just a little too hit or miss, the creepy foot fetish party-going suga daddies are just too overwhelming for me to navigate though.

My father, after terrific success has recommended that I join match.com, I was hesitant about shelling out $125 to find the one, I mean there are 8 million people in NY on any given day, but what the heck, here's to a six month experiment, they've challenged me to find the love of my life. Whatever, I'm tired, and I need help, thanks dad.

I've found that the most important thing is to keep positive, to be proactive yes, but to also let it come to you. Tell the universe that you are looking, ask for help and see what happens. Don't be afraid, don't think you are "too good" for internet dating or "above" being set up on a blind date by your friends... It all takes time, stay positive and keep patient. Here's to finding love in six months, match.com guarantees is :)

How to meet people without ending up with your head in a freezer

2008-11-14T16:35:00.000-08:00

I'm going out tonight on my first date with someone off of Craigslist.

Yikes... craigslist.

My girlfriends and I started perusing the CL personals as a joke, because seriously they are HILARIOUS... I'm not kidding if you have a good 10 minutes to kill and need a good laugh it is a gold mine of hilarity.

However, while perusing said list, some of them kinda seemed... well... normal, or interesting, or a way to meet people out of my teeny tiny circle of NYers.

So why the hell not right? How else am I going to meet the investment banker of my dreams. It can't be any crazier than meeting someone at a bar, or on the subway or in a park, or even at work, I mean how well do you REALLY know your co-workers.

Besides working off CL is like working undercover, you have to look for clues in their ads, try to mimic their voice when you write back and choose a photo that looks good but will still leave them pleasantly surprised when they meet you in person. GAMES GAMES GAMES.

Now granted we would all LOVE to just meet the one, organically, meet someone and know. Yeah well I meet someone, and I knew and now I'm looking for new people on CL. I don't see it as an act of desperation, and it's not an inability to meet men that has led me down this path but rather a choice to be proactive. Anyway let's see how this all goes.

How to get to the second date

2008-11-14T16:21:00.000-08:00

I've been on too many first dates... And I think I need to layout a few requirements for the man who will ultimately be in my life, just so I have a clearer idea about what I should be looking for... I settle too often, and I fall in love with people despite shortcomings, despite not getting what I want so here goes:

1. They should think that you are absolutely amazing
ok so maybe this will take a second or third date to figure out but really... if they're not into you, why should you be into them?

2. You should be able to be yourself around them
see above. they should like you for you. if they're a vegetarian and you like steak... eat your steak, don't drink beer when you like whiskey and never change who you are because you want to fit some mold that you think they want you to fit into. I've lost myself once because I was in love with someone I wanted to be perfect for, I'm never losing myself again.

3. They should make you laugh

4. You should be attracted to them.
And I say that specifically as opposed to "they should be attractive" because attraction is different for everyone... perhaps a better phrase should be, there should be chemistry.

I think as a starting point, these are good things to be looking for...

And now armed with this information I am off to the races.

How the heck do you find someone in NYC?

2008-11-12T21:31:00.001-08:00

I'm a pretty good catch. I'm not saying this because I am self-absorbed or vain... in fact, more often than that I am ridiculously insecure. But let's start off with a bit about me.

I am 5'6, I'm slim, I have been told that I have fantastic breasts.

I went to college, I can hold a conversation, I'm funny, not bad to look at, I have a job and friends and a life.

So why don't I have a boyfriend? Why am I going on first date after first date and unable to be interested in ANYONE...

I'm not the only one FRUSTRATED WITH DATING IN NY. My friends are just as funny, wonderful, talented, and passionate as I am and they are tired too.

Perhaps it is because I am the girl perpetually in a relationship, and now after close to a year of singledom I still don't yet know the game, but it seems IMPOSSIBLE to meet anyone. But that's crazy, people meet people all the time, people fall in love, people find the one.

I dont know where my the one is, I thought I had found it and well... well that went so terribly askew I cannot bring myself to discuss it. But I have decided to chronicle this process... trying to find someone in New York merits a blog.